Week nineteen - Water
Thick torrents of rain came pouring out of the sky as I walked briskly through the city center. It was quiet for a Saturday afternoon, most people preferring the warmth and coziness of their homes. I didn't, I loved the rain. Adored it. I loved the quiet in the streets, and the feeling of the rain on my cheeks. I liked how the rain soaked my jeans and clattered loudly on my raincoat. The park was only a few blocks away and I made an effort to walk even faster. I never really cared for the tall buildings and the elaborate shops, preferring the scene of the nature. I wasn't one to live in the city, yet I lived there anyway. I knew I'd be happier somewhere in the countryside but I could never bring myself to give up the my rent and pack my belongings. It felt like an invisible cord kept pulling me back to my dingy apartment.
After my surgery I had been in recovery, not able to work. So whenever I was not at therapy I pulled back and stayed in my apartment, alone. Half wishing for contact with others, half wanting to stay there alone forever. I knew in the back of my mind it was the 'depression' that clung to me like a heavy black blanket but I often forgot. Instead floating in the in between my mind created; where part of me didn't want to do anything and just lie in bed all day, and where part of me wished for this life to be over. I pushed myself to get out more, especially during rainy days but it felt like chipping away at a concrete wall with a blunt kitchen knife. It hardly mattered.
The rain got into my boots, creating a sopping noise every time I lifted my feet. I matched my footfalls to create a methodical beat that echoed through my ears. The sky was dark, and it looked more like night than day, and in the distance I could hear thunder rumbling. There were even less people on the street this far outside of the city center. The park was probably deserted. My legs were feeling tired and my back was aching. Suddenly I wished I'd stayed inside, in bed where nothing could really hurt me. Nothing but my own thoughts. The rain felt like tiny shards of glass embedding themselves in my face and it hit me more at that point than anything had in days.
The entrance of the park was in sight now. Around the entrance was a big steel fence, with elaborate ornaments. I could see the branches of the trees behind it hanging low, heavy by the rain. I came to a halt in front of the fence and stared. The paths were deserted and looked anything but inviting. Suddenly my feet felt like concrete and I couldn't bring myself to move forward, I didn't want to. Or better even, I just didn't feel like it anymore. With a last look at the greenery before me I turned around and made my way back to the city center.
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