the scariest
moment is
always just
before you

Last week my therapist asked me what kept you alive before you started therapy?
Ive been in therapy for a little over two years now. I struggle with adhd, anxiety, depression and Ive been suicidal for most of my teenage years. Its been hard, but I feel like two years of intensive therapy are finally starting to pay off. Some of the little things in life make me smile again. The laughter of a child, a puppy on my morning walk. Im not saying Im cured, far from it actually, but its getting better. There are still a lot of dark days, but Im making progress.
That brings me back to the question, what díd keep me alive before I started this journey to getting better?
Its not only a what, but also a who.
You and your music kept me alive for years. It made the darkest days bearable. It was the light at the end of my tunnel. And even though it felt like the light took one step back every time I took a step forward, it was still there. It gave me a reason to fight. Cause maybe there would come a day where the light would take one step back, but I would be able to take two steps forward and catch up to it eventually.
With this letter I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for keeping me alive when I struggled to do so myself.
Thank you for pulling me back every time I started to slip away again.
I know weve never met, and we probably never will, but your existence saved at least one life and I wanted you to know that.
Please dont feel the pressure to write back, Im not expecting an answer.
Honestly Im not even expecting you to read this. I know Im definitely not the only one writing you fan mail
If you actually do read this, thanks again.

Take care and lots of love,

Ps. If you do feel like writing back, please dont spend any money on stamps or envelops.
[email protected]

A tear slides down my cheek when I put down Manons letter. Shes right, shes definitely not the only one writing me, but for some reason her letter stood out to me in the gigantic pile of mail. Maybe it was her neat handwriting, or maybe the beautifully colored stamp, but somehow it caught my attention. As if it screamed read me. Usually these kind of letters dont really get to me, cause Ive learned the hard way that lots of them are fake. But somehow hers feels different. Genuine. Maybe because she explicitly told me shes not expecting an answer. It almost feels as if she wrote this letter more for herself than she did for me.
I open up my laptop and email, but I dont even know where to start. Minutes pass and theres still not a single word on my screen. I decide to get up and get myself something to drink. As I walk over to the kitchen I start to contemplate what Im gonna write her. I pour myself a glass of sprite and head back to my desk. Maybe I should just start and not think about it too much.

Dear Manon,

first of all, I really like your name, even though Im not completely sure how to pronounce it, haha!
I hope youre doing okay today.
Im writing this email, but I dont really know what to say to you, other than your letter really got to me. I hope my response atleast puts a smile on your face.
Ill add a picture of my puppy too! Hes the cutest, his name is Oliver!
I finally found the time to care for a dog now that me and the boys no longer tour together. Ive had him for a little over four months now and I already cant imagine my life without him! Maybe he can brighten up your day, if I fail to do so.
I hope you email me back, Id love to keep in contact with you. If you dont feel like making small talk, thats fine!
But maybe you can keep me updated on your therapy progress.
I think youre really brave for taking the step to get help, and Im sure those dark days will make place for bright, sunny days eventually.

For now Im not going to tell you to have a good day, but Im telling you to just have a day! Take them as they come and dont force yourself to have a good day everyday. Having a bad day is fine too.

Take care, Manon!


Ps. Im pretty sure I dont have to tell you this, but please dont share this email address with other people.

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