the scariest
moment is
always just
before you

Last week my therapist asked me Ďwhat kept you alive before you started therapy?í
Iíve been in therapy for a little over two years now. I struggle with adhd, anxiety, depression and Iíve been suicidal for most of my teenage years. Itís been hard, but I feel like two years of intensive therapy are finally starting to pay off. Some of the little things in life make me smile again. The laughter of a child, a puppy on my morning walk. Iím not saying Iím cured, far from it actually, but itís getting better. There are still a lot of dark days, but Iím making progress.
That brings me back to the question, what díd keep me alive before I started this journey to getting better?
Itís not only a Ďwhatí, but also a Ďwhoí.
You and your music kept me alive for years. It made the darkest days bearable. It was the light at the end of my tunnel. And even though it felt like the light took one step back every time I took a step forward, it was still there. It gave me a reason to fight. ĎCause maybe there would come a day where the light would take one step back, but I would be able to take two steps forward and catch up to it eventually.
With this letter I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for keeping me alive when I struggled to do so myself.
Thank you for pulling me back every time I started to slip away again.
I know weíve never met, and we probably never will, but your existence saved at least one life and I wanted you to know that.
Please donít feel the pressure to write back, Iím not expecting an answer.
Honestly Iím not even expecting you to read this. I know Iím definitely not the only one writing you Ďfan mailí
If you actually do read this, thanks again.

Take care and lots of love,

Ps. If you do feel like writing back, please donít spend any money on stamps or envelops.
[email protected]

A tear slides down my cheek when I put down Manonís letter. Sheís right, sheís definitely not the only one writing me, but for some reason her letter stood out to me in the gigantic pile of mail. Maybe it was her neat handwriting, or maybe the beautifully colored stamp, but somehow it caught my attention. As if it screamed Ďread meí. Usually these kind of letters donít really get to me, Ďcause Iíve learned the hard way that lots of them are fake. But somehow hers feels different. Genuine. Maybe because she explicitly told me sheís not expecting an answer. It almost feels as if she wrote this letter more for herself than she did for me.
I open up my laptop and email, but I donít even know where to start. Minutes pass and thereís still not a single word on my screen. I decide to get up and get myself something to drink. As I walk over to the kitchen I start to contemplate what Iím gonna write her. I pour myself a glass of sprite and head back to my desk. Maybe I should just start and not think about it too much.

Dear Manon,

first of all, I really like your name, even though Iím not completely sure how to pronounce it, haha!
I hope youíre doing okay today.
Iím writing this email, but I donít really know what to say to you, other than your letter really got to me. I hope my response atleast puts a smile on your face.
Iíll add a picture of my puppy too! Heís the cutest, his name is Oliver!
I finally found the time to care for a dog now that me and the boys no longer tour together. Iíve had him for a little over four months now and I already canít imagine my life without him! Maybe he can brighten up your day, if I fail to do so.
I hope you email me back, Iíd love to keep in contact with you. If you donít feel like making small talk, thatís fine!
But maybe you can keep me updated on your therapy progress.
I think youíre really brave for taking the step to get help, and Iím sure those dark days will make place for bright, sunny days eventually.

For now Iím not going to tell you to have a good day, but Iím telling you to just have a day! Take them as they come and donít force yourself to have a good day everyday. Having a bad day is fine too.

Take care, Manon!


Ps. Iím pretty sure I donít have to tell you this, but please donít share this email address with other people.

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