Kingdom of Edge - A YA Fantasy Parody
If I were like other girls, I would have to take off my make-up before going to bed. But because I, unlike the other so shallow girls, in my class, don’t wear make-up, it saves me so much more time for sleep. I, unlike other girls, love sleep and napping. Nobody else loves sleep, so I’m very unique. I look into the mirror and stare at my reflection: a girl with pale skin, messy blonde hair tied into a ponytail looks back. My striking blue eyes would be the first thing everyone sees, but I’ve gotten used to it. I much prefer looking at my flaws: I think a pimple is coming up. Every other girl would stress, but I don’t. I don’t care about looks. I’m so average and plain, why should I? It’s not like boys like me.
I yawn adorably and change my clothes: from jeans and a sweater (I don’t wear skirts, like other, slutty, girls) into these old pajamas. It’s a big sleeping shirt I got from my tragically dead father and pants that I’ve had ever since I can remember. I really don’t care about looks. But I still look very cute in it. Before bed I pick up the book I’ve been reading: unlike other girls, I can actually read. I read books, which no girl ever does, and I like it. This book is Harry Potter, because no one in the world has read Harry Potter before and that makes me so quirky. It’s not like the author is a millionaire. I love the magical world of Harry Potter and every day I wish I could be in a magical world. That’s not foreshadowing by the way, why would you think that?
After a chapter or two I close the book and also my eyes. It was so hard to put it down and it’s late already – oh no I’ll miss sleep. I don’t care, I decide. Maybe I won’t go to school tomorrow. It’s full of shallow girls anyway and I like no one except my very much disposable best friend that the author isn’t going to name because she’s gonna disappear from the story within a page or two anyway so why bother.
When I wake up, it’s not because of my alarm. I set my alarm to very edgy rock music, Imagine Dragons, so why don’t I hear it? It’s so much better than Taylor Swift. I open my eyes and blink. I’m not in my bed? I’m lying in the forest, surrounded by leafs and trees. Because that’s what a forest looks like. It feels strange, and I decided I’m probably still dreaming, even if usually when you realize you’re dreaming you wake up. I look up and I see a Very Hot Bad Boy clothed in all black. Because he’s a Bad Boy.
“Hi,” I say, not creeped out at all for some reason.
“Hello,” he says intensely, “I’ve been creepily staring at you for hours because I think you’re pretty.”
I blush. “That’s so cute and definitely not concerning!”
“I’m Bad. Bad McBad. I’m an edgy prince of a magical kingdom.”
I gasp. An edgy prince of a magical kingdom? How is that possible (double question marks)
“I’m generic protagonist”
“No,” Bad says broodily, “you’re actually the princess of another kingdom, the magical kingdom of boring do-gooders.”
I gasp again, because I’m very good at gasping. “What? I can’t be!”
“Yes, you are,” he says, angrily staring in the distance. “And I’m kidnapping you.”
“Wow,” I say, “that’s so hot and not a strange creepy basis for a romance plot.”
“Glad you think so,” Bad says. “Because I’m… Bad.”
He’s so bad.
“So why am I here?” I ask, not particularly concerned about the kidnapping thing.
“Your parents, Dead and Deader, have left you behind in the non-magical kingdom. But I’ve gotten you back. Good thing I’ve been watching you all my life.”
“Wow,” I say, “How old are you?”
“2987. But I look 17. How old are you?”
“Wow, what a perfect match we are,” Bad says badly. But like, bad in a good way. Because he’s a bad boy.
“I’m gonna take you to my kingdom of evil. We’re not actually very evil, we’re just broody and we wear black and leather a lot. Also we’re kinda creepy.”
“Sounds amazing,” I say, “but what about my kingdom I’m secretly a princess of?”
“That kingdom is waiting eagerly for you because peasants obviously can’t rule themselves without some magical royalty, that’d be crazy. Unfortunately you’re going to have to marry meeeeee.”
“Oh, an arranged marriage, what a dream,” I say, because I’m only a feminist at the beginning of the book when I say some generic line about girl power.
“That’s why I kidnapped you. To marry you. Which you were going to have to do anyway. Because it’ll end some kind of war we’re not going to describe much because who likes worldbuilding anyway when we can put in a love triangle?”
“Wow, great plan. Don’t see how that kidnapping was unnecessary at all.”
“It’s for the romantic tension,” Bad says broodily. “The only romantic tension I know is when there’s a creepy power balance in at least 3 different ways.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” I say. “I can’t wait to see your kingdom. I bet the castle is black and everyone is really sarcastic and mean.”
“Yes. I’m also very sarcastic and mean.”
“That’s why I already like you.”