I definitely should not have done this. I know I shouldn’t have, because this will end badly.
All I have been wanting to do is kiss him, tangle my fingers in his hair, feel his skin on mine.
None of that will ever happen, though. If I do decide to kiss him, which I shouldn’t but I still really want to do, I know how it’ll end.
It’ll be just like a rom com. He’ll kiss me back for a second out of pure confusion and slight pity, then pull back and tell me I must have misunderstood his signs, that he doesn’t like me that way.
I’ll end up profusely apologising, feeling awkward and ready to cry, but I won’t leave immediately because that would make things more awkward, so I’d just torture the both of us by staying longer and eventually finding my own way home.
Then, after ignoring each other for a few days, we’d both blame the alcohol, agreeing to stay friends, but we never really would because Lucien would know about my feelings and I wouldn’t be able to ignore them, especially after kissing him.
Those lips, the face that seems like it’s probably got skin softer than a baby’s bottom.
So here we are, sitting just a little too close together, watching a movie with a terrible plot I could not care less about.
Every once in a while I take a look at Lucien, to my right, pretending to want to see how he feels about the movie, but secretly just to... see him.
I know I shouldn’t torture myself like this, this will only end in me being even more in love with him and my heart being broken into even more pieces.
I can’t help it, though. Everything about him draws me closer, makes me just want to be around him.
I can’t stop looking at him, I want to move when he moves, smile when he smiles.
Deeply, I crave just feeling his body against mine, even in the least sexual way. I would kill for him to put a hand on my knee, an arm around my shoulder, even just the slightest stroke of his leg against mine would be enough to fuel this fire in my heart.
He doesn’t, though. He sits just far enough away he doesn’t touch me, but close enough for me to really want him to.
“Shit,” I mutter, realising I’ve been tilting my wine glass ever so slightly, spilling wine all over the white shirt I’ve been wearing. “Oh, bugger.”
Lucien looks over at me, wondering what I’m complaining about, then pauses the movie.
“It’s quite hard, holding your own drinks, isn’t it?” he jokes, yet getting up to get me a cleaning rag.
“It’s quite hard shutting up, isn’t it?” I shoot back at him. “A wet towel isn’t going to help this mess, I need to change.”
Usually I would have a clean shirt in my bag, in case I’d need to change during my work day, but today I forgot.
“Do you have something for me to borrow?” I put the glass down, now half empty, and get up from the couch.

I stand in his bedroom, staring at myself in the grey undershirt Lucien gave me.
The girl I see in the mirror isn’t the girl that dated Callum. She isn’t weak, she isn’t sad or scared.
She’s insecure, yes, but mostly because of the intense feelings she’s feeling right now.
I’m also feeling kind of nervous about going back into the living room. Not because I’m wearing something scandalous, this shirt is wider and covers more than the old shirt did.
I’m nervous because I know how I’ll feel. I’ll have to stop myself from kissing Lucien the entire time, constantly wanting to throw myself at him.
I do return, though. Lucien is still on the couch, and has filled my glas back up.
“Took you long enough...,” he jokes, patting the couch. He’s sat in one of the corners again, another confirmation he isn’t into me the way I want him to.
It’s not like I want him to be sprawled out on the couch naked right now, begging for me to fuck him, but I’d really be down for some cuddling or heavy petting right now. Even with all of the garlic he’s consumed - another sign he does not want to kiss me.
“I was stopping myself from running out the door,” I tease him, smiling.
“What stopped you?” I sit down on the couch, not too far away from him but not too close either, not too sure what I want or what’s smart.
“I want to see how the movie ends.”

“Your wish is my command, my lady,” and he turns the movie back on.
I don’t give a shit about the movie, obviously, but I try to focus on it more than I did before.
The storyline is vague, keeping me guessing what’s going on for most of the movie. I swear I could fall asleep if it weren’t for Lucien moving every few minutes.
I’m feeling tired, especially after my long day at work and my dreams of Lucien keeping me up at night.
No matter how hard I try to stay awake, I finally give in it sleep.


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