Being all alone is strange.
I used to do it all the time before I was with Lucien, but after that Iíve almost forgotten how to enjoy my own company. I miss having someone to cuddle up to, that will laugh at me when I drop half of my food on the floor whilst switching channels. Iím in my pajamas, watching Friends and eating the simple pasta Iíve just made.
Itís also quite nice, being alone for while, but it leaves me subjected to my thoughts for longer than Iíd like.
Iím nervous about Lucien meeting my family, Iíve realised more and more. Iím also just nervous in general, but that isnít anything new.
Iíve already taken a shower, washed all of the nervous sweat out of my hair, and now all thereís left to do is wait until Iím tired enough to sleep.
My phone keeps on signaling I have missed notifications from Facebook, but I keep on ignoring it. As long as I donít see whatever Caitlin from the cheer team has to say about my relationship, Iím happy in my own bubble filled wi just positivity and excitement.
The appartment feels empty without Lucien in it. Thereís still bits of pieces around the place that heís left, and his scent is still on the pillows, which is why Iíve laid down on the couch and havenít let go of this specific one.
My phone buzzes again, signaling this message is a special one. With a mouth full of cheesy pasta I open the picture Lucien has sent me, my cheeks turning a rosy colour.
            Youíre a naughty one, Lucien.
            Miss you, too. How gross and clingy. X


When I wake up the next morning, bright and early, I want nothing more than to just go back to bed and stay there until itís Saturday and I get to spend a full day with Lucien again.
I can imagine, with our reputation to uphold, we wonít be spending every night together anymore. The sexual tension has definitely built, but with Lucien flinching every time I even so much as point at him, I havenít really felt tempted to jump his bones. Add to that my pregnancy scare and there you have the perfect recipe for a sex-less week, if not longer.
That tension wonít make it easier for the two of us to be around each other, because we both have our needs that currently canít be fulfilled.
I take another shower, taking all of the time I have to try to relax, then get dressed and have breakfast.
It truly is early, my alarm hasnít even gone off by the time Iíve made myself a cup of coffee.
I flip through some magazines that come with my newspaper, fighting the exhaustion in my bones with caffeine. Summer is around the corner, or at least thatís what it feels like, and sunís out early.
Itís the perfect day to spend outside, drink wine on some rooftop until the sun goes down, but unfortunately Iíll be working all day today, and for the rest of the week.
I used to be super excited to go to work. Iíd get to work my cases and see Lucien, my favourite combination in the world. Now that our secret is out and we see each other outside of work, all thereís left is my cases, and theyíre very boring currently. A few custody cases, low profile divorces. Nothing to be truly passionate about.
I even dread heading out, but I still do so. In stead of hailing a cab, I decide to leave early and walk to work. Itís only a twenty minute walk, and I put my heels in my bag so I can walk there in sneakers.
The only people out on the streets are people with their dogs, mums dropping their kids off at day care, excited teens going to school early.
Itís quiet out, and even at the little bakery thereís hardly anyone in yet. I order two croissants, intending to drop one off at Lucienís desk before anyone notices, and a coffee, spending the rest of my walk drinking and looking around.
Thereís birds chirping, excited little pups trying to fight each other in parks, people going out for an early morning jog. Iíve got my headphones in, listening to Ce níest rien whilst walking, trying to freshen up my French more and more.
Just two more weeks until Lucienís birthday, and having gotten confirmations of my birthday gift orders this morning, it excites me.
Maybe by then, everything will feel more normal.

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