The only moments I don't cry is when I'm asleep, and even then I think of him. Kenna interrupts my slumber from time to time, forcing me to eat or drink something, and then lets me go back to sleep. At least in my dreams I don't feel empty. I'm still reminded of him every second, but the memories aren't as painful as the feelings I encounter when I'm awake.
Last night, after getting to Kenna's, all I could do was cry. I sobbed and sobbed until I felt like there was nothing left to come out, and even then I couldn't help but shake and shiver.
Most of it is a blur. I remember laying in Kenna's lap, her hands slowly petting my head as she got a call from Gabriel.
I remember her shouting at him, telling him that if he was calling on Lucien's behalf, he could tell Lucien to eat shit and that he was a coward and an ass. This resulted in a very confused Gabriel, as far as I could tell, unaware of why Kenna was so mad at Lucien or why he would be calling on his behalf.
I zoned out for most of it, the mention of Lucien's name too painful. Not much later, Kenna had Tom carry me to the guest room, where I've been laying for at least the past twelve hours, if not more.
They've let the dog in a little while ago, and after he realised I wasn't in the mood to play, he laid down at my feet and is now snoring heavily, keeping me awake. It makes me miss the way Lucien used to snore after he would have a little too much to drink, and how he would smack his lips and groan if I gave him a shove to silence him.
"Em," Kenna has opened the door slightly and is peeking in. "Are you awake?"
I nod, all of my words lost in my throat. I don't want to talk anymore, because not a single word I say will give me Lucien back. I've lost him for good.
She comes into the room, shutting the door behind her and sits down on the bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Great," I tell her, sitting up with my back against the headboard. "Like a million bucks."
"Same old sarcasm, it's good to know you're still somewhere in there," she smiles, squeezing my hand softly. "But how are you really feeling?"
I take a deep breath. "Like the soul was sucked out of my body."
Kenna nods, a look of sadness and empathy on her face. "I still can't wrap my head around it..."
I shake my head, my tear-soaked hair flinging around with every movement. "Me neither."
"Brie told me he's a mess, too, Em.. He promises he'll bring back some of your stuff, if Lucien will let him. Maybe..." I interrupt her mid sentence.
"I really don't want to hear about it, Kenna. I can't... it hurts too much. He made his decision, he's no longer happy here, I'm not enough to make him happy," my voice trembles and another flood of tears comes right out.
Kenna wraps her arms around me tightly, her body trembling with mine as I sob.
"If only I was better..." is all I can get out as my voice shakes. "If only I could be what he needs... Maybe if I... maybe he would still be with me if..."
"Hey, hey," Kenna has broken the embrace and is now looking at me, her hands wiping tears away just like a mother would. "Don't... You are perfect, Emma. You're everything a person could need and more."
"Then why is he walking away? Why is he just letting us end like this?" My lip is trembling and my breathing is uneven and sped up. "I always knew he'd realise that I don't fit into his perfect world... that loving me was too hard."
Callum must be having a field day when he finds out about this, and so will all of the girls that talked shit about me before, or that asshole of an McMichaels. They were all so sure Lucien was going to get fed up with me, that he would leave. And they were right.
I was never good enough for him, it was just a matter of time for him to realise that himself. They were right, I'm a nobody, a basic girl next door. Nothing special.
Kenna just holds me, lets me cry, because she knows very well that now isn't the moment to lecture me on how I'm loveable or good enough.
If I ever thought I experienced heartbreak before, I was wrong. That was nothing compared to this. The times my heart was broken before this, it hurt, but it was some kind of relief. This time, it feels like someone took a dull knife and just jammed it right into my heart, twisting and turning it until they were sure it was dead and gone.
"What did I do, Kenna? What did I do wrong that caused him to fall out of love with me? To not want to spend his life with me anymore, to want to keep secrets like these from me? I thought... I tried so hard to be good to him, to give him everything he could ever want. And then he goes and.... breaks my heart."
She's petting my hair, and I swear she's crying too. "I don't know, Emma, I really don't... All I know he's crazy for letting you go, he's an absolute fool."
"But I love him, Kenna...," the words are mixed up with sobs and shivers. Kenna looks at me, tear filled eyes.
"I know you do, Emma.. And I'm so sorry."
And so am I. I'm so sorry, mostly to myself, that I was ever crazy enough to think this would last.

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