332 - Emma
We don't sleep together. I spend the night, but we only cuddle. There's no pressure on either of us to make a first move, because both of us know that's not what is the right thing to do at this moment.
Something else we've both decided on that we're done talking about my ex. We don't call him by his name anymore, we don't mention him anymore. Whenever I tell a story that involves him, all I have to do is leave a blank space in my sentence and Jesse will understand.
I don't know if it'll make it easier to forget him, and I honestly think it might only make it worse, but all I can do right now is try.
There's nothing else to do than forget him, because he doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't reach out, doesn't bother showing any sign of life. And he isn't obliged to, just like I don't have to text him, or call him.
My heart's too broken to talk to him, even though there's nothing else I'd rather do than hear his voice again, hear him say my name. Just his voice calling me by one of the many nicknames he had for me would be enough to give me enough serotonin for years, or at least that's what it feels like right now.
After a few too many glasses of wine with lonely dinner, then lonely dessert and later just lonely glasses of wine, I find myself browsing the web. I watch dumb video's, none of them interesting enough to focus on.
Until that certain one that rips my heart out but also makes it flutter again. My drunken brain takes too long to process the images in front of me, and I'm already over half a minute in until I realise it's Brie's video with the two of us.
God, we look so in love, so happy. I don't recognise the girl in the video. She seems so sure of herself, of who she is and what she wants.
And then there's Lucien. Gorgeous, confident and funny. The glances he shoots the girl who's supposed to be me in the video are heartwrenching, because I remember receiving them.
I'm already sobbing when we talk about saying I love you. The fucking audacity to tell the entire world how much he loves me, then breaking my heart a few months later.
Angrily and blinded by tears, I shut my laptop, no longer able to watch this.
I consider calling Kenna, but she needs all the rest she can get before she's having a baby in a few months, and it's already midnight.
I can't call my brother, because it will give him more reason to worry about me, and I can't really call Beth or any other woman in my life either, because they won't understand.
So I find myself dialing a number I haven't dialed in a while, not even discouraged when I find myself talking to his voicemail. Knowing him, he's either fast asleep or at some intense party. I don't even know where he is right now, so he could really be anywhere.
My voice trembles as I try and sound as cheerful as I can, hiding the drunken mess I currently am.
"Hey, Brie - Gabriel. It's me... Emma. I... I really don't know why I'm calling, and I understand if you decided not to pick up my call. I don't know if I would pick up if I were you, so... well, yeah.
I'm.. I hope you're doing okay. I know the past few weeks have been crazy, and we never really got to talk, let alone say goodbye. I mean, I know I'll still see you, sometimes, but it won't be the same. I'm sorry, Gabriel. I hope you're not mad at me, even though I would understand if you were. We... I really fucked up. I'm an absolute mess, and I hate it. I hate everything that's going on, I hate not seeing you anymore, I hate how much everything has changed in the course of a few weeks.
Kenna keeps on trying to tell me I'm not to blame, but I know I am, Brie. I just let him walk away like that, I should have... I should've done better. Been a better person, a better girlfriend, I should have been what he needed."
As I'm talking I find myself wandering, ending up on the balcony. I take a small pause between words to light a cigarette, the only thing audible being the flick of a lighter and my inhaling. "Because let's be real, he put up with all of my bullshit. My crying about Callum fucking Prittchard, trying to change him, make him a so-called better version of himself. It's all utter shit, Brie. There's no fucking changing that man, and even if there was, I wouldn't be the one doing it. I can't change him, I'm not... I can't." My cigarette dangerously dangles from my lips as my free hand wipes away the tears that have been flowing. There's even some on the actual cigarette, almost extinguishing it.
"I'm trying so hard to be happy, to let him go, because I know that's what he wants. He's better off. I see all of the fucking pictures and videos, because even if I don't look for them, people will make sure to show me. And they break my heart, Brie, they do, because apparently it's this easy to forget about me. I'm just easily replacable by someone else. He didn't even need time to do it, he just found someone immediately, as if his heart didn't even fucking break. And that's what... that's what I don't get, Brie. How can he put up this entire fucking show in a damn youtube video, pretending this is all mutual and we've talked about it for ages - which let me tell you, is a right up lie, and then he goes and dry humps this fucking gorgeous girl in front of every camera, knowing people will see it? That I'll see it? How can he act like he has ever even cared about me and then pull this stunt?"
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