569. - Lucien
It takes me a second to realise what she's actually saying. I dismiss it immediately. Is there even a choice? For Emma, maybe, but not for me. There's no way I can make this choice for her, not if it were to vastly differ from what she wants.
And I have a suspicion what she wants. There are tears in her eyes. Her hand squeezes mine so tightly her knuckles have gone white. She's still gazing at the tests, as if their results might change any given moment. My head is spinning. Despite my exhaustion I dreamed about pregnancies and babies all night long. I'm not as level headed as I should be for this conversation - then again, neither is Emma.
Our choice, she called it. But it isn't. Not really.
"What do you want?" My voice is croaky.
"I'm not sure." She shakes her head. The words are barely even a whisper. The whole atmosphere in the room feels so surreal she might as well have planted the words in my mind without opening her mouth. "It would be so hard. You're away a lot, and we're never really sure when you'll get back… We've been over this before. We're not ready. Are we?"
No. We're not. Not in the slightest. We haven't been back together for a year, neither of us is sure where we want our lives to end up… A terrible time for a baby. "Disregard all that for a second. All of those things can be changed. We'll find a way to make all of that work. Say that we'd be in a similar situation to Kenna and Tom -"
"But we're not!"
"I know, but we can make it closer to that! If that were the case, what would you want to do?"
Another long pause. Her grip on my hand has loosened somewhat, allowing for circulation again, but other than that she is rigid. Her other hand is still on her stomach, where our child is growing. Oh god. The mere thought makes me nauseous. But this isn't about me. "It would be amazing, wouldn't it?" Emma whispers. There's a careful smile on her lips when she gives me a sideways glance. They're still watery and red, with tears so very close to the surface. "I've seen you with Emilia… I can't get that image out of my head now, Lucien. To think you'd hold our own mini human is just…"
"But this isn't just about what I want. If this is happening, I only want it to do so with both of us. Your voice is as important as mine in this. You love your job. A baby might put a hold on our plans to have a second place in France for a while. And just in general you'd have to want it! Because if you don't…" There's a twitch to her lips that gives away just how much that would wreck her. She would never say that out loud - she might not even realise it herself yet. There isn't a choice. Whatever it is I'm feeling right now, I'll have to get over. "Either we do this together, or we don't do it at all."
As she says it, I can perfectly imagine marriages being wrecked over this. It's a lot of pressure, to give me that choice. Had this happened in the first half of our relationship, I might not have been so certain. But my future is with Emma, I knew that from the moment she kissed me on that carousel. That hasn't changed. "Well… Nothing but the timing has changed, has it?" I try to pick my words carefully, not wanting her to feel like she's making me do this. "We’ve known we wanted this since pretty much the second week we were back together." I take both her hands in mine, but avoid her eye. If I meet it, I worry it might give away that I'm not as certain as I make it out to be. Not yet, anyway. "If anything, it suits very well with my theme of not planning ahead."
My eyes flick up; judging by her expression this is clearly not the answer she expected from me. Maybe more resistance or doubt, or even a definitive no and an immediate trip to the abortion clinic. Definitely not compliance. Tears well up in her eyes again.
"Don't get me wrong: if this is happening I am absolutely terrified, mortified and all the other synonyms you Brits have for being scared." I add. She laughs, and the tears finally spill over; they roll down her cheeks in glimmering trails of silver. "But it's us, right? We've been through hell and back together and we've barely known each other for two years." As I say it, it sounds even more insane. My heart is hammering so fast and loud I worry it might burst out of my chest any second now. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. Emma wants this, more than she might be ready to admit to herself. So I'll do it. It's really that simple. I've made all the other curveballs life has thrown at me work somehow, I can make this one work. "If anyone can figure this out in the crazy paths that are our lives, it's us. If you want this, I'll support you hundred percent." I let go of her hands so I can take hold of her face instead. With my thumbs I wipe the tears away, but they're quickly followed by new ones. "But I will also support you if this isn't what you want. If you change your mind halfway through. Yes, I could have waited a few more years and if that's what you want to do, I'll have your back. But we were going to do it anyway, right? All that's happened is that we got on with it a little earlier than scheduled. And if that's the schedule you want to follow, I'll gladly follow along."
Er zijn nog geen reacties.