571. - Lucien
The whole thing is nuts. The fact that we're actually doing this most of all. I know that, had I truly not wanted this, I wouldn't have said we'd do this, but that doesn't take away that I don't feel ready, or qualified, or all the other things you need to be when you have a baby on the way.
The day after the news still hasn't really settled in. Two days from now the normal life continues, where Emma goes to work and so do I. Only life isn't really normal anymore, is it? Everything has changed between now and two days ago. There's a migraine luring just behind my eyes, threatening to debilitate me, but I manage to keep it on bay with some over the counter pills. This is not the time for me to crumble, not when Emma needs me to be stable.
Lucky for me Emma wholeheartedly agrees with staying in for the day to let the idea of us being parents sink in, meaning I don't have to do much else than hang out on the couch with a fat cat on my feet. There's so many things to be talked about, choices to be made, but it seems that we're both scared to breach the subject.
Is there not a sliver of happiness in me? Delight that I am going to be a father? I feel guilty for having to search so hard to find it. It's powerfully overshadowed by the sheer panic that seems to have taken its place as my blood.
"We're going to have to tell people." Emma says when our episode of Community seemlessly flows into the next one. "We have to figure out when we're going to tell them."
The list of people I want to tell is several lines shorter than Emma's; there's only two people I want to tell, and one that I have to.
"I don't think I can keep it a secret for very long from Kenna. Hiding you from her was one of the hardest things I've ever done, I don't think I can go through that again." She's playing with the tassels on the corners of one of our throw pillows, not really looking at anything in particular until her head snaps up towards me with her brow deeply creased. "My mum's gonna absolutely lose it. And that stupid bet!"
Is that bet even still on? We haven't been together will everyone since the getaway last October. Me and Gabriel haven't spoken since New Year's. "I know that you want my input, but I feel this is less big a deal for me so I'm just going to follow your lead."
A smile tugs on her lips. "Is this going to be the same for our wedding? 'I know you value my input, but this is more important to you, so do whatever you want'?"
"Let's stick to one life changing event at a time, hm?" I chuckle, pulling her into my arm. We've both had a hard time relaxing since we came home from the doctor's yesterday, and I knew that if I'd let her, Emma would already be running around baby-proofing everything. Instead she now melts against me, her head against my chest. "Coming back to that bet though: that means that we're going to have to tell pretty much all of them at once, or whoever gets the word first is going to have an unfair advantage. If you want to tell Kenna first thing tomorrow I'm all for it, but then Matthew and Eschieve are also finding out."
"What about Brie?" The second the name slips past her lips, I can see that she regrets it. I can hardly hold it against her: it was muscle memory, a name so presistent ever since we met that it's odd it wouldn't be in the list of people I'm telling. But before I can say any of that, her face softens. "Regardless of what's between you two he needs to know, right? If this friendship is any kind of salvagable, he can't find out from Kenna."
"I know." I mutter. "I'll text him when we've told the rest."
It's clear that she doesn't agree with that. I don't either. I don't want to tell him over a text message. I want to invite them all over so we can tell all of them together. But that's just not realistic, not right now. Emma doesn't argue it, luckily, and once again we fall back into silence. Emma's pulled out her phone; when she unlocks it, I see at least four different precnancy apps already downloaded.
"Figured you'd be thorough, huh?" I tease, and she nudges me in the side.
"I'm not prepared! I've got to catch up. Look," She shows me a digital picture of something that resembles the baby rats we used to disect in biology-lab years ago, only heavily deformed. "this is what they look right now."
"They?" I sound as horrified as I feel, but Emma laughs.
"Don't worry, I meant the singular form. It feels wrong to call our baby an 'it'. Could you imagine, though, if we had twins?"
My stomach twists uncomfortably. "Does this count as 'one life changing event at a time'?"
Another nudge to my side, alongside an expert eyeroll. "We don't get much choice in it, do we? Chances are slim though, I don't think I've got any twins in the family..."
"I..." I go to say that I don't either, but then realise that's not true. "I do, actually."
"Yeah, my father's one of a twin." I nod. "Estranged from the family before any of the Du C children were born though, I think my father once mentioned he lives in Norway now. Coincidentally that's all the info I have on him."
Emma looks up at me with a smile. "Everytime I think your family can't be more of a mystery, you prove me wrong."
I chuckle, shifting under her weight moving; Frank, still on my feet, lets out a paineed sound like I'm torturing him. "I used to call it the Du Castellon curse. Doomed from the start. But," I kiss her forehead, then her lips, and then bury my face in the crook of her neck to kiss below her ear. "I'm determined to break that curse. We'll do it the right way."
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