588 - Emma
I'm sorry, her words keep are on repeating themselves in my head, over and over again, until I'm sure they're not even English anymore. I can't find a heartbeat.
Like a broken record, stuck on the same seven words.
I don't think I'm even breathing anymore, a pressure on my chest that can't be described. This just happens sometimes.
Though the screen is pitch black now, I can't peel my eyes away from it. The bliss I felt last time I stared at it feels almost ironic compared to the emptiness that now seems to fill me.
She's still in there, I realise, she just no longer lives. Her heart just no longer beats.
I'm sure Linda tells us things we need to know, but they pass me by. All I hear is those seven words, sunk deep into the pit of my stomach where our child used to live. All I can do is hope Lucien pays attention, though I wouldn't care if he didn't. It's all already ruined either way, there's nothing left to do. Nothing we do can make my heart feel whole again, it feels like.
In silence, we walk away. I'm not sure where we're going, I just want to leave this place, never return.
As I'm staring straight ahead, refusing to look around me and face any people that might see me for what I am, I feel Lucien reach for my hand.
"Don't," my voice is hoarse and the word cracks halfway through. "Please don't."
So he doesn't.
Apparently, after something like this happens to a person, they require you to stay for observation. I don't want to, I don't think I mentally can, but I do anyway, because I don't think I'm physically strong enough to fight it.
Maddy is back, only this time she is less cheerful. The whole room is filled with the same atmosphere, one that almost chokes me.
She tries to talk to me, I can tell, but not a word leaves my mouth. It's no use, and I don't think I can bring myself to say anything right now. It's like when her heart stopped beating, it took away all of the energy I seemingly had regained.
In stead, she talks to Lucien. All of their words mean nothing to me, I just stare at the ceiling.
I cried at first, when she just told us. Now, I don't feel like I can even do that anymore. There's just emptiness.
There's sound of talking around me, but all I hear is a buzzing sound, drowning out the words on repeat, mixed with the absence of a heartbeat.
Maddy makes sure to tell me what's going on after I wake up. I don't remember falling asleep, but I'm glad I did, because when I was asleep I felt nothing. I don't think I even had a single dream, I was just not concious, which means I couldn't think about our child.
Waking up was hard. For a second, I didn't remember. It was like she was still alive, ready to grow. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Hey," Maddy stands at the foot of my bed. "How are you feeling?"
I shrug, words seemingly lost on me.
"I've just spoken to your partner about this," she tells me. I look around the room to find Lucien, but he isn't here. "Bathroom." She explains. "And I'm aware that this isn't something you want to think about right now, but it is necessary - we are legally required to ask after a missed miscarriage."
Missed miscarriage. That's the medical term for having your heart ripped out then having it stuffed back in through via your throat, apparently.
"There's several things we can do. You could either be described medication that will help your body fully...," I close my eyes as she looks for the right words, probably torn between the medical term and the one that won't break my heart. "Or we could schedule an extraction."
So either they're forcing me to wait until I give birth to my dead child, or they're tearing it out of me? I stare at her. "I just want it out."
She nods. "Understood. I'll leave you some information so you can think about it, and I'll come back to you-"
"No," I say, noticing how void of emotion my voice sounds. "I want it out now."
There's a look on her face that can solely be described as pity, and it irks me in all the wrong ways.
"Don't you want some time to talk to your partner about this?" she tries, but I shake my head viciously. "Alright. I'll make sure to notify your doctor, and we'll try to schedule you for tomorrow."
Tomorrow. Another night in this place. It's already dark outside, though, which means tomorrow might come sooner than I'd think.
The door opens and Lucien steps in, immediately closing the door behind him when he notices I'm awake.
Maddy catches my eye, and without any words spoken it's as if she asks if I want her to tell him, which she then does.
"Emma has asked us to schedule an appointment for tomorrow," she smiles weakly. They must have already gone over this in detail. "I will get back to you with any details on it. For now, I'd say you should get some rest. The both of you," she shoots Lucien a stern look.
With those words, she leaves.
As Lucien tries to press a kiss to my forehead, I can't help but flinch away from his touch. Part of me wishes nothing more than for him to hold me, to be the safe haven he has always been for me. But I can't. I can't let him do that, because it doesn't feel right.
I promised him I would keep us safe, but I didn't. There's all of these thoughts running through my head whenever I'm awake, and all of them end with the blame for this coming back to me one way or another.
I can't look at him for too long, seeing the pain in his eyes, knowing I caused it.
Er zijn nog geen reacties.