Foto bij 66 - It's killing me

[Bill P.O.V.]
"I don't want you to come home, Bill."
“Wait, what?” Je blijft stil staan, wachtend op reactie. In je rechterhand je telefoon, in de linker een paar sokken, die nu boven je koffer bungelen. Tom staat in het hoekje van de hotelkamer toe te kijken en komt langzaam naar je toe, als hij ziet dat je stokstijf stil blijft staan.
“I said, I don’t want you to come home,” zucht Maud uiteindelijk. “I mean, I do. I miss you like crazy and I would want nothing more than for you to come home, but I know I can’t ask you to come home now.”
“You’re not asking me,” protesteer je, terwijl je de sokken in de koffer gooit. “I’m coming home.”
“No, please, don’t.”
“Seriously, Maud, you’re killing me. What do you want from me?”
Je hoort haar zacht snikken aan de andere kant van de telefoon, maar je bent te gefrustreerd om medelijden met haar te krijgen. Na wat een eeuwigheid lijkt te duren, zegt ze: “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Je laat je op het bed neervallen en zucht diep. “Honey, you really need to start talking to me.”
“I… I don’t know what to say.” Ze begint hartverscheurend te huilen aan de andere kant en je hoort na een tijdje de stemmen van Heidi en Jamie op de achtergrond – ergens stelt het je wel een beetje gerust dat ze nu niet alleen is. “I have just been feeling so horrible lately and all I can do is cry and I doubt everything and I-“
“Breath,” sus je. “Babe, you really should have told me!”
“What should I have told you, Bill?! How I am doubting every fucking decision I have ever made in my life right now? How that includes you, even though I know damn well that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me? How I can’t keep my emotions straight? How I can’t sleep at night? How alone I feel, knowing that all of you think I am a big wuss for caring about the shooting and feeling sad and anxious and stressed every time I walk into that damn building? How I miss my mom and Sophia and everyone I left behind? How I can’t seem to figure out what I want? How I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning? Is that what you want to hear or do you want me to go on?”
Tom kijkt je vragend aan en je schudt ‘nee’ – dit zijn zijn zaken niet. Hij sjokt duidelijk met tegenzin de kamer uit.
“Bill? Are you still there?”
Je slikt. “Äh, yes, sorry. I, ähm, I didn’t know you felt like that.”
“How could you?” Ze snikt luid. “I don’t even know how I feel.”
Je wrijft met je linkerhand vermoeid over je ogen. “I feel really sorry for you and I hate to hear you like this, but you’re… I mean, you… Your behaviour was really out of line.”
“I know,” piept ze. “I am so sorry. I really am.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? I don’t feel like it’s okay.”
“I don’t mean ‘okay’, like ‘it’s okay’. I just mean, ‘okay, so you’re sorry’.”
“Oh.”
Je zucht diep. “So, I won’t be coming home.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“And I really want to talk to you about all those things you feel and, I swear to God, I love you so much, but you really hurt me, Maud.”
“I know.”
“This is never going to work if you’re not honest with me. You can’t treat me like this. That’s not fair.”
“I know,” snikt ze. “I don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than this. Than me.”
“That’s not what I mean,” verzucht je en je wrijft opnieuw over je ogen. “I hate when you do this. It has nothing to do with you deserving me. Yes, I deserve better than how you’ve been treating me lately, but that doesn’t mean I don’t… I do want us to work through this. We need to work through this. And we can’t do that if you’re not being honest with me.”
“I know.”
“Good. I can’t do this right now, though. I am sorry, but I have to go. Promise me you’ll think about our conversation and that you’ll pick up when I try to facetime you tonight?”
“Uhuh.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“Good. We’ll talk tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” Ze blijft even stil. “Bill?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
Je zucht, maar een klein glimlachje verschijnt op je gezicht. “I love you, too.”

Reacties (1)

  • Luckey

    Thank god bill!!
    Eindelijk gooit ze het bij jou er uit!!
    Het werd tijd!

    4 weken geleden

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