Foto bij 30.

Once I stood in front of Dean’s door I had no idea what to do anymore. Where I first felt very sure and had a whole speech prepared. I know cowered away in my big sweater and almost turned back around towards my own trailer until the door already opened. ‘Oh Hera, well hello there, I was actually just going to Aidan, Richard and some other people’s trailers to have bon fire before we leave set for a while, you wanna come?’ Dean said which made me sigh and take a deep breath ‘We gotta talk Dean’ was all I could say. Dean of course immediately seemed startled by that answer and then quietly nodded. ‘Come in’ he said. I swiftly walked in and sat down on his couch. ‘So what’s wrong?’ Dean asked worried. ‘I have to talk to you about the upcoming holidays’ I said with a trembling voice. ‘Okay?’ Dean spoke. ‘I don’t feel like going back home Dean’ I began talking which seemed to be funny as Dean laughed. ‘Uh okay, well I’m glad you’re having fun but you can’t stay here right?’ Dean answered. I sighed ‘I know and that’s not what I mean. I mean that I don’t want to go home with you, I want to join Richard in going to London’ I said as directly as possible since I felt like the longer I waited the more I was getting second thoughts on this whole plan. When I saw Dean’s face getting grumpy I knew why I was getting second thoughts. ‘Why? Why would you want to go to London? And with Richard of all people?’ Dean now asked obviously trying to stay calm. ‘Because Dean, I always wanted to see the world, you know that right and Richard and some others suggested that I just went there with them so I could get a tour from people actually living there’ I began, Dean didn’t seem to get my point at all. ‘Besides I really like these people and it’s all thanks to you, you brought me here and even though I didn’t want it. You were right I had to meet new people and find something to live for’ I said trying to make it all more positive. ‘You did need to get out of your room and start living yes, that doesn’t mean you have to get attached to every person you meet and feel like traveling the world with them’ Dean harshly spoke which made me angry as well. ‘That’s not what’s going on here at all, I care about these people and they care for me, you know how badly I want to see more of the world but how I never dared’ I growled which made Dean pace around the room. ‘Look you know you’re sick, you need to take it easy and you can’t just get close to all these people without even telling them the truth about yourself, what if something happens to you in London? You’ve been far too close with Lee Pace and Richard as it is’ Dean now said still in an angry tune. ‘Why do you always have to bring that up like there’s nothing more about me than my sickness? I am a person Dean, I am still alive and you wanted me to live my life, so stop complaining, if anything would happen I am pretty sure Richard could take me to a hospital just as well as you! What do you even mean I’m too close, I care for them okay I don’t choose who I love Dean it just happens!’ I yelled standing up as well. Soon I realised what I just said, Dean’s eyes now turned dark ‘What did you say there, you don’t choose who you love? What do you mean?’ he growled ‘Look that doesn’t matter now’ I tried but Dean shook his head ‘Who?’ he yelled ‘Richard’ I muttered scared of what he was going to do. Luckily for me he seemed too surprised to do anything ‘How could you? He’s like 20 years older. He’s my friend, we’re together every day for hours and you people don’t even tell me anything?’ Dean said. I sighed ‘Yea I think it’s quite obvious why we never tell you anything’ I sighed. ‘You’re unbelievable. At least tell them that you are sick! They deserve to know, I will not look these people in the eye, see them as friends while you are going to break their hearts’ Dean yelled at me. I felt furious ‘Listen Dean, I am not dead yet, stop treating me as if I’m going to die any minute, I don’t give a shit what doctors told you about my chances to survive, but I am alive now and I feel fine so stop acting like this! I don’t need you protecting me all the time, I don’t need anyone treating me like a baby. If only you were there when I was a kid!’ I yelled in Dean’s face which obviously only made things worse. ‘I tried to be there! Me, our brother, we all cared about you and tried to be there for you, but you wouldn’t let us! What do you want?’ Dean growled ‘I don’t want to be treated as a baby Dean, I want to be treated as a normal person, not some poor sick kid. I am so done with you reminding me of the past, I’m done with you trying to be a mom and dad at once and not even being able to be my brother! You’re the reason I never wanted to come out of my room Dean, you’re the reason I didn’t want to live anymore. You were always being over-protective, reminding me of what was wrong with me, reminding me how I would never live a normal live! Richard loves me and cares about me as a normal person. Everyone here treats me like a normal person and I won’t let you ruin that either!’ I yelled which seemed to make Dean shut up. For minute it was all quiet in the trailer. Suddenly Dean walked to the door ‘If that’s how you feel, then get out’ He said in a cool voice. I didn’t immediately move and kept furiously looking at Dean ‘I will go to London’ I said ‘Get out!’ Dean shouted again where after I angrily ran out the door. Fine, this didn’t go according to plan, but I could go to London. I hoped getting as far away from here as possible would make things cool down between us, although I was afraid I just ruined our last chance of having a normal brother sister relation.

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