Lonely Nights, Long Days. Simon Kjær + Thomas Delaney
Thomas Delaney had been different after the last game Denmark played. They won, but Thomas didn't feel right. He hadn't been in the game. Not with his head, not with his body. And the coach had quickly noticed. He was subbed off before the second half started, which for Thomas felt like an all time low. He didn't know what was going on, but he just couldn't focus. His body hurt too much and his mind was only giving him negative feedback. He hadn't even celebrated the win, which he normally loved to do. He had escaped to the changing rooms and disappeared into the showers without waiting for the rest for the group.
He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to disappear from this earth.
He wasn't even mad at his teammates or anyone anyway, it was his own doing for feeling like this. And he didn't know where it came from.
He often had these days, where he just felt like shit. Like the world was just a little too much for him. And this was definitely one of those days. But normally he had someone close. And with this team, eventhough they were all cool guys, he didn't know who to go to. He had been thinking about Kasper Schmeichel, he was always a good talker. But with Thomas not knowing where the feeling came from, he didn't even know where to start.
He sighed when he heard the team enter. It was indeed Kasper who came looking for him. He smiled a weak smile to Thomas. Who shrugged slowly. He wasn't sure what to say. Kasper probably thought he felt bad about the sub off, but it was more than that. And he didn't want to tell him that right now.
The coach wants to give a little speech, he wants you to be there too. he said, handing a towel to Thomas.
He groaned softly, before he put it around his waist. He walked back into the crowded changing room and wished, once again, that he could disappear. He sat down next to Kasper on the edge of the bench and looked down at the ground.
He listen to Hjulmands words, but they didn't reach his thoughts. He had no clue what he was saying, all he was focusing on where the drops of water from his head falling down on the ground.
After a few minutes he noticed someone was looking at him. He knew exactly who it was and he didn't want to connect with his eyes just yet. But after feeling like being watched, he realised he had to. He looked up, in the gorgeous blue eyes of his roommate Simon Kjaer. He was sitting across from him, a questioning look on his face. He looked almost worried to Thomas and he hated it. He didn't want pity. He wanted to be alone and people never left him alone.
Maybe it was the fact he was always happy and always there for people who needed him. But they never left him alone when he needed it.
After Hjulmand finished his way too long speech and the team took their way too loud shower, they headed back to the hotel.
He didn't talk to anybody, before he closed the door to his hotel room. He let himself fell down on the bed and let his tears flow silently. He hated crying, it made him feel weak. And he wasn't weak.
But it happened too often these days.
A knock on the door made him realise he wasn't going to be alone again. But he hoped Simon wouldn't be too hard on him. He loved the man. He loved his spirit and his passion, but tonight he didn't want to talk about the game. He just wanted to feel better.
Come in. Thomas spoke in a hoarse voice. He quickly cleared his throat, as Simon opened the door.
His blonde locks were laying flat on his head, he looked cuter than normal.
Thomas smiled at him. Or atleast he tried.
Simon sat down on the edge of the bed, next to Thomas his feet. His arms next to his body, finding balance on the bed, as he bent over a little. He turned his head sideways and looked at Thomas.
You okay, Delaney? he asked.
To which Thomas shrugged.
I guess it wasn't my game today. he then said.
The sigh that followed was louder than expected.
And yet I feel like it wasn't because of your body hurting or your feet not doing their work.
Thomas cheeks heated up, did he notice how off he was during the game.
Your head wasn't in it tonight. Simon said.
He layed down his hand on Thomas' leg and sighed. Thomas looked down at it.
What's going on? he then asked.
I don't know, Simon. he said, as he shrugged again.
But when Simon squeezed his leg a little, he realised fully well what had been happening.
His eyes widened, just for a second, before he looked back up at Simon.
He looked into Simons blue eyes, he showed that smile that always looked so gorgeous on him and Thomas heart fluttered.
He was in love. He was in love and he didn't even realise it.
All the stress and build up tension. It was all because of Simon. But that couldn't possibly be why he felt so bad?
He groaned, pulling back his leg. Simon frowned, but didn't say a word. He just placed his hand back on the bed and sighed again.
Listen, we can talk about it. Or I can leave you alone for a while. Kasper is sleeping on his own, I can join him for tonight. If you want to be alone. Simon said.
He was ready to stand up, but Thomas didn't want him to leave.
No, stay. he whispered.
He tried to sort out his feelings and his thoughts at the same time. But the weak smile Simon gave him, made him dizzy. He tapped next to him on the bed and Simon followed his lead and crawled to the place next to Thomas.
Their arms touched for a second and they both looked down.
Thomas bit his lip and looked away quickly.
Tell me what's going on. Simon said, in his usual bossy voice. He noticed it immedately and laughed softly.
I'm sorry, but tell me. I am a good listener.
That he definitely was.
I guess moving to Sevilla, a new path. A new role in the team. It's too much at the moment. All these weeks were so hard. We barely had a vacation and then I came into a new country, a new club. I only know Ludwig there. It's harder than I thought.
Simon looked at him, patience all over him.
But I told you right, they're good there. They will take you in like one of their own. Once the qualifiers are over, you will see. he said slowly.
I think eventually you'll be even be a leader there. I never was. he laughed, which made Thomas smile.
You think so? he asked.
Man, you already are with our team.
Thomas heart fluttered again as Simon said 'our team' and he wished it hadn't.
Me, Kasper, you. We are the leaders of this group and people see you that way too. Simon smiled, tapping Thomas his arm with his hand. The youngsters were seriously worried for you tonight..
I'm not lying. Mikkel and Andreas came up to me. And Mathias too, since he was subbed in for you again. They didn't understand what happened to you. Sadly enough I couldn't tell them either.
Thomas his smiled faded. Maybe he could have been a bit more social. But his whole body had told him not to.
I sometimes just need some time for myself. Everybody sees me as this social, happy dude. But sometimes I'm not. he sighed.
I know. Simon stated.
Thomas looked up at him. Simon had a little smile on his face.
I see you when you're finally alone for a minute. You breathing changes, you let out a big sigh and then you continue you what you're doing.
Thomas chuckled softly.
Being captain doesn't mean you have to watch everybody, Kjær. he said.
I don't focus on everybody, Delaney. he threw back at him.
The room went silent and Thomas frowned softly.
What does that mean then.. he whispered.
I guess we all have our favorites. I'm not your roomie just to be your roomie. I care about you. And I absolutely love being on the field with you. You understand me, maybe most of all of them.
Simon never told him that. He never told it with this words atleast. And Thomas had a hard time grasping the fact Simon cared about him.
He didn't want to admit he was thinking about his lips and how much he wanted to kiss him right now.
Thank you. Thomas said after a while.
Simon stroked his shoulder, before he got up and walked over to his suitcase.
Let's go to sleep now. We have a busy day tomorrow. he said, as he looked back at Thomas.
Thomas nodded. Simon was right. He didn't want to feel just as bad as he did tonight. He kind of wanted to tell Simon about his feelings. His new found feelings. But what if it was just a little crush. What if it was just a good friendship. A better one than he had expected.
He let his hands go over his face and nodded to himself, before he got up and undressed himself to his underwear. He threw his clothes on the ground and covered himself under the covers.
To his surprise Simon walked over to his side and actually started folding his clothes.
You don't have to. I would have done it in the morning.. Thomas muttered. His mouth barely on top of the covers.
Don't worry. Simon only said, as he put Thomas his clothes on top of his suitcase.
Thomas watched him carefully as he walked back. He focused on his bare legs, the muscles still slightly twitching from the game. His tattoos covering his arms, which made him ten times more attractive. The light smile on his face as he put his hand through his hair and looked back at Thomas.
You like what you see? he joked, making Thomas blush harder than ever before.
He didn't expect Simon to be so open. But even worse, he never expected Simon to play with him like that. So he had no answer to Simons question. He looked away quickly and felt Simon lay down next to him.
I'm sorry for saying that. he heard Simon say.
Thomas bit his lip. He hated these feelings.
I did like what I see though. he then said, to his own surprise.
He felt Simons hand on his arm. He forcefully turned the younger boy around, so he had to look at Simon.
There was that gorgeous smile again.
I'm glad you do. he smiled sweetly. Now get your rest.
What about you? Thomas smiled, noticing his hand hadn't left Thomas his arm yet.
I'll be asleep soon. You know I have to calm down after the game for a few minutes before I will be able to sleep.
Thomas nodded. He did knew that.
So without another word he turned around and closed his eyes.
It took him some time to fall asleep properly. And in that time his captain had worried his mind of his own problems. Like he didn't know to tell his teammate how head over heels he was for him. And how much he really cared for the younger boy. He knew Thomas didn't realise that as much as he needed him too. Even the obvious hints Simon always gave him, didn't seem to work on Thomas.
It was difficult to be around him sometimes. But it was even more difficult seeing him in so much worry and pain and not being able to really help him. He felt like tonight he managed to calm him down a bit. But he also felt useless anyway. He knew Thomas worries didn't go away. Not all of them atleast. If he could he would join him on the next flight to Sevilla. But ofcourse, he couldn't do that. And he didn't want to treat Thomas like a baby. He was a gorgeous, strong man. Who knew who he was and what he had in life. Sometimes he just needed to be cared for. And Simon wanted to be the one to do that for him.
Once Simon knew Thomas was asleep, he came closer. With a shaking hand he rested his arm around Thomas his waist. He didn't want to wait anymore and he just hoped Thomas wouldn't wake up. He looked at him. He was finally calmed down. His breathing was steady, a little smile on his face. Like he was dreaming about something good. Simon hoped he was. He had his eyes closed, like little upcoming suns. And his curls were laying on his forehead perfectly, like they always did. He looked beautiful. And Simon wanted to kiss him.
He leaned forward, without realising so, and placed his lips on top of his cheek. Or so, he thought. Because in the moment he planted his lips, Thomas shifted to his back. Leaving no room between their lips. Simons eyes widened, and Thomas his eyes widened too the moment he woke up. Simon pulled back quickly, looking at Thomas his lips and then back to his eyes.
I-I. he stuttered, but he had no excuse.
Thomas looked at him and without any thought, he pulled Simon closer. His hands around his neck, his face flustered from the sudden action. But their lips connected. And sparks flew through Thomas' tired body. He still couldn't believe what was happening. He woke up in a daze, until he realised Simon was kissing him. Maybe he hadn't meant to, but there was no way back now. Now was his chance.
So he kissed him, like his life depended on it. And to Thomas his relief, Simon kissed him back. Thomas noticed, while kissing Simon, that Simons arm was resting around his waist. And all his feelings he held back, came to the surface within seconds. He smiled against Simons lips, before he kissed him again. Simons right hand found his jawline, carressed it slowly.
Thomas had always imagined a rough kiss with his captain whenever he thought about it. He had always pushed the thought away. He always thought he was just a bit attracted to the guy and wondered how it would be to kiss him.
But right now, he realised how careful Simon was with him. How soft, yet so passionate this kiss was.
He let out a relief sighed, as their foreheads touched.
I was supposed to kiss your cheek and then you turned around, you dumbass.
Thomas had never heard Simon say that word, but right now it felt like the most loving thing he could say to him.
But maybe it felt like that with every word Simon said to him.
Well, I'm sorry sleeping me has his own ways of doing things. he replied, chuckling softly.
He pushed his jaw against Simons hand, who focused on his movement for a second.
A smile full of love filling his face.
Thomas layed back down on his pillow, but Simon was still hovering over him in the same position. His arm still around his waist, his hand still on his jawline.
But I'm glad you did it. Tonight of all nights. he then said silently. He almost became shy because of his own words. Like he was afraid to speak them out loud.
Me too. Simon nodded, making Thomas smile brightly.
I feel like- Thomas stopped himself from talking, but Simons encouraging eyes made him continue. I realised tonight that I like you.
When? Simon asked curiously.
Thomas cheeks turned red again and he held back a smile.
When you squeezed my leg. Maybe it was just the way you cared for me. Maybe it was the fact you kept trying even though you knew I wasn't going to tell you at first. he said shyly.
He looked at Simon, who had a smile on his face Thomas didn't quite get. It almost looked like he was proud, or happy. Or both.
I always keep trying with you. he shrugged. It's because I can see you need someone, even though you don't want to give in at first. You don't always need to be that happy guy. You don't always need to keep up that smile. Not with me atleast.
Maybe it's just you I need. Thomas whispered. His hands lowered down to his cheeks.
And maybe I just need you. Simon answered shyly.
Thomas sighed relieved and then without wanting to, a tear rolled down his cheek. Simon looked at it, before he wiped it away slowly. His thumb was all that was needed. He looked at Thomas, realising he was crying.
He sat up, his legs crossing in front of him. He pulled Thomas up too, and Simon came as close as possible. With his thumb he wiped the tears away quietly.
You're gonna be okay, you hear me. With or without me, you're gonna be okay. he smiled.
Thomas lips shivered, as he felt Simons lips touch them. He kissed him back, closing his eyes. Tears still flowing.
When he opened his eyes, he realised Simon was crying too.
Stop, not you too. he laughed through his tears, wiping Simons tears away now.
Well, I'm sorry. I've been holding these feelings for a long time. Simon laughed too.
Their hands intertwined and they looked at eachother, before Simon pulled Thomas into a hug.
When did you find out? Thomas asked.
Their hands found eachother again and stayed together.
A while ago. At the Euro's, I think. he admitted.
Oh. Thomas bit his lip.
Simon laughed sarcastically.
Yeah, that was my thought too when I realised. The night after you scored against Czech Republic. That's when I realised I fell in love with your stupid loud laugh and your dumb jokes.
Even though their eyes were still wet from their tears, they couldn't help but laugh. They both felt dumb. They both wished they could've turned back time. But they were both happy to be here now.
Thomas let go of one of Simons hands and raised his own. He touched Simons cheek lightly with his fingers. Like he discovered it for the first time. Simons face immediately came closer to his fingers, wanting to feel as much as possible. He closed his eyes, and Thomas watched him with awe. He looked so happy.
How are we gonna handle not being together? Thomas whispered.
We will handle it. We can. Simon muttered, before he opened his eyes. I've been practicing.
I was glad when you called me to talk about Sevilla. Hearing your voice was good.
A sweet smile filled his face. His thumb stroked Thomas his hand.
And Thomas thought Simon looked small in that moment.
Can I call you when I need you? Thomas asked shyly.
Always. Simon smiled. If I can do it too.
Thomas laughed and nodded.
Simon shook his head slowly, probably not believing what was happening to him. Just like Thomas couldn't either. His hand found Thomas his cheek and with the feeling of his beard against his hand, finally able to feel it properly, he kissed him again. He realised how soft Thomas his lips were and how good he could kiss them. He realised how beautiful he was, even this up close.
And he realised he never wanted let Thomas go again.
After what felt like hours, they had decided to go to sleep. This time close to eachother, not wanting to let go of the moment. Or to let go at all. Thomas his head was resting against Simons chest, which was slowly moving up and down. Thomas was smiling, not being able to sleep, but being content with it anyway. He felt safe in Simon his arms. And he felt better than he did in a long, long time.
Simon had fallen asleep, with his hand buried in Thomas his curls, just behind his ear. Their legs intertwined, their hearts beating together.
And eventhough Thomas had felt like giving up for a while, he now realised he could never. Not while he knew there would be someone waiting for him. Someone he could always come home too.
And he was ready to be be with that man. He was ready to be with Simon. No matter how hard times could be, no matter how far apart. He knew he would always come back. He knew their hearts would always beat together as one. And laying here, closing than ever to the man he fell for, he realised he never wanted something else again.
Simon was right. He was gonna be okay. They were gonna be okay.